I had a series of journal entries to write in order to help me heal and move on from a recent series of events that have hurt me deeply.
But today, I’m realising that I just don’t need to write them. I’m doing ok, despite a pretty deep hole I felt I was in last week. It ends up it wasn’t as deep as it felt.
I have my faults, weaknesses and insecurities. We all do. I’m aware of them. I welcome them. I embrace them – just long enough to start letting them go. It’s hard to admit when there are aspects about ourselves that we don’t like – but that’s part of growing and moving forward. I’m glad that I have them – or, at least, that I’m aware of them – so that I CAN work on letting them go.
I used to be a different person. I used to be a people-pleaser. I still have some of those attributes. I would (and sometimes still do) delve so much into my work or into volunteer work that I was suffering for it. Close friends voiced their concern, and I shook it off. I was fine. I was. Really. But…
……no, I wasn’t. When did I have time to live? I was so tired, so much of the time, and wasn’t able to see anything except my responsibilities. Those friends were right. I was pushing myself too hard. And for what?
That was a good question. What WAS I looking for?
I did a lot of thinking and came to many realisations. I kept myself busy because I had no direction. I had no self worth. I worried about what other people thought of me. Reasons upon reasons that I never really acknowledged. I found something I loved and delved into it so much that it became more work than it was fun – but it kept my mind off of the things I didn’t know how to address. My sorely lacking confidence. My secret social anxiety. My desire to “fit in”. The love and approval of people I admired.
I’m just one more person in a world of people. I was already successful in some ways – but not at living. I was failing that. I didn’t need anyone else’s approval except my own. I was already loved SO much by the people who voiced those concerns to me, as well as others who didn’t see the harm in it. It was time to deal. It was time to face my problems. It was time to admit that my struggles were preventing me from moving on. I didn’t like my mindset, so I made the conscious decision to start changing it.
And then I started creating boundaries for myself. I stopped allowing people to treat me in ways I didn’t deserve. I allowed myself to breath. I let go of some of the responsibilities that I didn’t need to take on – because I had taken on too many where the workload could have (and should have) been shared. Or there was work that just wasn’t necessary. I approved of my choices and my decisions – I didn’t need it from anyone else. I even started to actually love myself, instead of just saying that I did. And those things I didn’t love, I started to focus on and change. And I realised that the issues I’ve grown up with, the issues I’ve carried around – they were all getting dealt with by proxy just by making those changes I needed to make for myself. I was making boundaries for myself, which is something I’ve never been able to really do before.
And some people knew it, and used my new self-improvements against me. I can’t lie – there were some things in me that shattered. Nothing that can’t be rebuilt, though.
And this is all new to me. I’m still not at all used to it, and I feel like I’m walking on shaky new legs. And every time I speak out, my voice feels weak, I feel overwhelmed and my core is shaken. I am able to apologise for the wrongs I make, but I’m no longer apologising for the things I feel right about doing or saying. I’m standing my ground.
Have I made some mistakes?
Oh yes. There’s no denying that.
But I’m human. While this is the way I am now, I’m forever working on creating a better me. While I may not get forgiveness for those mistakes by some people, it’s ok. I have my thoughts on the reasons why they can’t forgive, and it’s not really because of something I did – it’s something they did, and can’t face. It’s not about me, and never was. That’s their journey. I’m forgiving myself and moving on, and doing my best to be the person I love. Sure, I may slip now and again, but I can’t beat myself up forever over it – I just need to remember to breathe deep and remember to do better next time.
And I will.
And in this thinking, I’m remembering to treat myself as I would treat anyone else.
It’s not only about the kindness you offer to others, but the kindness you can offer yourself, as well.